honestly, i don't know anymore

i used to think honesty was a virtue, something good when you found it in people, but apparently i was wrong. it seems the only way to make and keep friends is to have fabulously untrue stories about things you've done that are cool, place you've gone that are interesting, and people you know who have also done exciting things.

well, i have news for you, i'm not a cool person. i haven't done anything epic, i don't know people who i can steal entertaining stories from (mostly b/c i don't know that many people), and i am just in general a pretty average, dare i say boring, person.

i don't like lying to people, and i dislike even more when people lie to me. so if you're one of those people who isn't completely honest with me and thinks it's funny to make stuff up just keep other people engaged with your amazing personality, don't take offense if i decide you're not worth my time, or don't believe any of your bullshit.

call me pessimistic, call me cynical, call me a bit harsh, call me selfish, call me whatever the hell you want. i don't care.

Rain

She stared up at the beautiful clouds as they passed her by, possessing such a majestic, deep aura hanging there, weightless in the sky. They were layered in a type of grace she could only wish for. So she sat, dreaming of clouds, memories, and her future.

The sky changed and it grew vaguely darker. The clouds soon melted into one gray colored mass. She lay down in the grass, waiting for the chaos. She wanted to hear the cry of the wind shriek in her ears and be shaken by the rumble of dark thunder. She wanted to feel the heavy rain pour down on her teary face. Desperately longing that suffering the violence of the storm would help her forget, she hoped for the worst.

The storm quickly approached, pounding her with rain so hard it stung. She closed her eyes. Not being able to tell raindrops from tears, she just let them flow without trying to resist. Thunder roared as broken tree branches came crashing to the ground. The wind whipped wet leaves through the air and plastered them on the nearest objects: trees, fences, windows, her skin.

Twenty five minutes later the rain finally stopped pelting her skin. She was able to open her eyes, but she didn’t. She lay there soaked in her shorts and tank top, thoroughly chilled after the rain. The wind still blew briskly, causing cold air to rush over her damp skin. She shivered, wrapped her arms helplessly around herself, and wept again.

When her face had dried, she went inside to her bedroom. Slipping off her wet clothes, she stepped into the steaming shower to rinse off and soak the chill out of her cold body. She turned the water off, slipped into her soft, thick bathrobe, and wrapped her hair in a towel. She went downstairs to the kitchen, leaving her wet clothes on the floor to pick up later when she cared again.

She got out the tea kettle and put it on the stove. Retrieving her second favorite mug from the cabinet, she grabbed the box of tea from the cupboard. Selecting a flavor, she sat down to wait.

***

He had a wonderful voice. She loved listening to him talk. He wasn’t talkative, but when he did speak up, he was beautifully intelligent. He had a confidence she was captivated by, but knew she didn’t have herself. There was nothing extraordinarily spectacular about him, yet she was still highly intrigued.

His eyes were the gentlest shade of the most beautiful color. She could get lost in them forever, if he'd let her. But he didn't know, or was too chary to do anything about it. Sometimes she wondered if anything was going on, mostly because he was so strange around her, but nothing ever happened. She was hesitant to believe it was possible, because deep in her mind she didn't believe in love.

The next morning she decided to go for a run. It would storm later, but she still had time. She changed into shorts and a tank top and left.

The clouds were beautiful. They felt so close she could feeling them brushing across her sun kissed face. After her run she stayed in the yard to cloud gaze.

She stared up at the beautiful clouds as they passed her by. The sky changed and it grew darker.

***

Her tea kettle whistled. She poured the water.

S.E.

2007

*Copy* *Paste* = weekend

Every weekend it's the same. I get home from work Friday and find something to entertain myself. Most of the time I stay in, though occasionally I'll go somewhere and wander around by myself for awhile.

Saturdays generally equal an extended edition of Friday night, with a little reading outside in the sun thrown in for good measure.

Sundays are the same as Saturdays, but in a different order

After a few weeks/months? of this, I've noticed a trend..... there are no people in my life, and strangely, I'm mostly ok with it....

I often wonder what I'm missing. Monday brings overheard stories of exciting, friend filled weekends, tales of happenings I'll never taste. I try to remember how I got here, to this empty, box canyon where there are no other souls. Then I recall: I wandered here, alone, and dove in.

but now I'm stuck and can't get out.

alone again, naturally.

A few months ago I moved out of my parent's house. It's kind of nice having my own place, though a bit lonely at times. I've been doing an immense amount of thinking, as I have so much time to myself. My social life is nonexistent, though work is keeping me busy enough to ignore that most days, which I am thankful for.

I've also been writing a lot. I found a short story I wrote in 2007 which I may post someday. I've also written a short.....exploratory piece of sorts. I spent two hours in a restaurant bar just writing my thoughts down. I'll have to edit it before I post, but I'll at least put an excerpt up soon.

Summer is finally here, took it long enough. I plan on spending as much time as possible outside, most likely companionless, but that's ok.

New Chapter

I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I've been doing a lot of thinking, self analyzing, and soul searching. I want to go back to my sophomore year in college when I did a lot of journaling, writing music, and spent the majority of my time in solitude. As depressing as it was, and as many regrets as I have from that year, I think it was the best year. I learned a lot about myself. In the past year and a half I've lost touch with who I was then, and I want to find myself again. Here goes nothing.

Really, nothing.

Square one, again

I've been working on other projects too. Last summer I gutted a broken record player and began painting cardboard windows for it. I made a lot of progress in the last two weeks, and it's looking pretty good.

Also, I've been working on refinishing a desk, which is unfortunately taking a lot longer than expected. And it's kind of boring work. Maybe repainting it will be better.

Summer Stagnancy

summer has come, and summer has almost gone, and I still have no job. at this point, i'm getting less than optimistic. i used to be able to look forward to school coming again in the fall, but not this year. this is real life, and somehow i've got to manage to survive. fun.